Behind the Scenes
xi There is he world of the neurotypicals and the world of the person on the autism spectrum. Our perspective and understanding—indeed, our very thinking process—is so very different than yours, yet we are required to conform to your set of rules. For you, social understanding is innate. For us, it is not. Asking me to define the unwritten social rules that help or hinder us in forming relationships is like asking me to write a book about the unwritten rules of the people of France. I'm not French; I wasn't born into that culture and I don't know their rules. The same logic applies here.
p2
The 1950s was a time when our society was much simpler, more structured, and a time when following the rules of our culture was more a time-honored tradition than it is today.
time-honored，〝被時間尊敬的、受到時間尊敬的〞是什麼意思？當我查到〝由來已久的、有來歷的〞的時候，我想到了Grandin的自傳電影當中，被Grandin視覺化的animal husbandry。
p3,4
Mother was strict in her discipline, and applied it consistently. She knew me well, she was a good behavior detective,......She understood the difference between behavior outbursts that resulted from me being tired, or from sensory overload (in those instances there wasn't a consequence) and times when I wasn't trying or was simply "being Temple." I was often a willful child; autism didn't compromise the very neurotypical way I tested boundaries to see how much I could get away with.
Mother was strict in her discipline, and applied it consistently.
我認為，我父親對待我與芳的態度不是strict、tough、disciplinarian、stand no nonsense、rule with a rod of iron、get tough with的，是authoritarian、be a stickler for、take sb out on
strict: words for describing people, organizations etc that demand that their laws or rules are always obeyed and punish anyone who does no obey
父親對於母親的很多行為是放縱的，對於芳的苛求又是我所害怕會被同樣對待的，我無法把握一個清楚的法則、規則，我只能以自己的觀點、方法 想辦法盡量不要遭打遭罵遭侮辱，但同時又充滿了怒氣並且不知道該用什麼樣合適的管道宣洩，於是非常過分地極盡所能去欺壓芳。父親會因為母親不想遵守而爆發的小孩子式的幼稚叫喊而決定母親不用遵守但其它三人卻必須遵守的規則，這種規則的變動令我不安、焦躁，因為它不夠穩定，我不知道何時又會再度變動，並且原因以及時間等等 都是無法預期的。
tough: an informal word meaning strict, especially when this makes you produce the highest standard of work that you can
disciplinarian: a very strict person who makes people obey rules or orders and always punishes those who do not obey
stand no nonsense: if you say that you stand no nonsense, you mean you treat other people strictly, but in a way that makes people respect you
從我開始以主動的態度想從芳所敘述的事實當中感受到原生家庭當中對我而言的真實之後，我知道父親的過度嚴厲當中沒有令我產生對他感到尊敬的事實，我所感受到的是純然並且全面的恐懼。關於我以前所感受到的強烈的情緒性的情感，目前，我對這種情感的產生所能做出的解釋是因為我想要存活，如果我不設法給自己一個說法、理由，我會活不下去。
rule with a rod of iron: to control an organization or group of people very strictly, by always punishing people who break the rules
get tough with: to begin to treat people strictly because they have been doing something that is wrong or illegal
authoritarian: demanding that people obey your rules and orders even if the rules are unfair or wrong
be a stickler for: to demand that people keep strictly on rules, customs etc, especially in a way that people think is unnecessary and old-fashioned
被很多人問過：「妳父親是軍人嗎？」
並且是stern、harsh、unfriendly、unsympathetic、hard-hearted、hard、mean、nasty、be hard on、give sb a hard time、cutting、vicious、
stern: strict in a serious and unfriendly way
harsh: showing cruelty and lack of sympathy in the way that you deal with bad behavior or mistakes
unfriendly: words for describing someone who does not behave in a friendly way towards other people
unsympathetic: having no sympathy for other people's troubles or suffering. someone who is unsympathetic does not show you any sympathy when you need help or when you tell them about your troubles
我已經告訴老頭和胖子，他/她們主動和我說話會令我焦慮、不舒服，請他/她們停止，他/她們不顧我的請求，重複無助於疾病復原並且會令病情惡化的行為
hard-hearted: someone who is hard-hearted does not feel any sympathy and does not care at all when people are in trouble or pain and ask for help
hard: someone who is hard feels no pity or sympathy for anyone, especially because they are determined to get what they want
mean: treating someone in an unnecessarily unkind way, especially by stopping them from doing something that they enjoy
nasty: behaving in a deliberately unpleasant, unkind way towards someone, as if you enjoy upsetting them
沒錯，老頭給人一種以此為樂的感覺
be hard on: to be unkind to someone, especially by criticizing them or treating them more severely than is really fair
give sb a hard time: an informal expression meaning to be unkind to someone by continually criticizing them and complaining about them in and unreasonable way
cutting: very unkind and intended to hurt someone's feeling
老頭最可惡的地方之一就是，在打罵羞辱我的同時，一邊強調〝我是妳的父親ㄟ！妳怎麼可以連眼睛都不看我！妳怎麼可以連臉都不正面對著我！妳怎麼可以............！〞我也想問你〝你怎麼可以沒有理由地、因為你自己不高興就打我罵我羞辱我，拿我出氣！〞我知道芳說得沒錯〝他沒有給過我任何合理的、有教育意義的解釋！〞即使我以選擇忘記的機制試圖讓自己覺得好過一些，芳說的話沒有挑起我的過度的情緒，所以我知道她說的話是真的、她陳述的是事實。
vicious: cruel and deliberately intended to hurt someone's feelings or to make their character seem very bad
這就是父親之所以給我們很狡猾的感覺的來源，他的目的是為了傷害我們，但卻讓情況顯得好像是我們很差、很壞、很不好似的。
母親給人的感覺是顯性、強烈、主動的，父親給人的感覺是設下陷阱引君入甕的：inhospitable、hostile、antagonistic、frosty
cold、cool、strained、high-handed
unfair、be hard on、punitive、draconian
母親主導、表現出，父親縱容、視而不見的：biased、favor、unreasonable、weighted、inequitable、unequal、preferential treatment、bitchy、behind sb's back、uncharitable
表面上是母親主導，事實上父母皆加重的：discriminate、take sth out on(遷怒)
discriminate: if a law or system discriminates, it treats one particular group in society, such as women or black people, unfairly
take sb out on: to be unkind to someone because you are angry or upset about something else, even though it is not their fault
因為我不知道我錯在哪裡，所以我必須將自己的某些行為解釋成不合宜的，但是因為沒有合理的根據、來源，我的狀況，是被恐懼所驅使，盡量將所有我能想到的我的行為賦以負面的色彩，發展到最後，我對自己的觀感漸漸變成整個人都是〝不對的〞，但是這不是一種單方面的發展，因為我從父母身上學到了怪罪外界，不管是外在的人、外在的環境......，於是，我一方面覺得自己什麼都不是、什麼都不對，同時咒罵別人什麼都不是、什麼都不對。
severe、cruel
rigid、stiff的
父母共同創造出的環境：unfriendly、turn sour、unwelcoming、forbidding
unfriendly: words for describing a place or situation in which people behave in an unfriendly way
母親是不遵守規則、破壞規則者；父親是以〝政府或組織〞運作模式的專制態度執行以他的意志為標準的規則，並且正當化地縱容母親不遵守、破壞規則的行為
父親的所有作為的目的，是為了泯除一切他認為不應該、不要有的東西。
She knew me well, she was a good behavior detective,......She understood the difference between behavior outbursts that resulted from me being tired, or from sensory overload (in those instances there wasn't a consequence)
我的父母不了解AS的因為感官過度負載而暴走以及故意的行為之間的差別(兩者顯現出來的行為對一般人而言都是不合宜的)，尤其是負責打人罵人的父親對我而言更是如此(我認為自己對母親的這種感覺不如對父親來得強烈，是因為母親沒有打罵過我，也就是他/她們兩個人在執行打罵這件事情上的比例差距太大，而不是因為母親了解我)，所以我出了任何狀況之後都會有後果。
泯：民有昏而不明義，故淹滅為泯。消除淨盡。
and times when I wasn't trying or was simply "being Temple." I was often a willful child; autism didn't compromise the very neurotypical way I tested boundaries to see how much I could get away with.
p4,5
Mother drilled into me manners and social etiquette, I developed good play skills at a very early age, like turn-taking and being fair and doing what others wanted to do.
Grandin認為自己所發展出來的好的遊戲技巧是輪流、公平以及合群，不是動作技能、戰略......。
輪流
在我的記憶中，母親是不等待的；她想要做的事情必須當下滿足，如果無法在那個特定時刻立即被滿足，她會轉向其它她固定得到滿足的事情、叫其它人去做以讓她被滿足，並且常常會叫囂〝是別人不對〞、〝別人怎麼可以如何如何〞。
父親跟母親一樣極度沒有耐心，當我想做、想學、想玩的事情是他不熟悉的，他不是阻止我就是想辦法打消我的念頭，並且剝奪我在核心家庭之外的情境中學習的機會。我沒有看過他因為試圖解決而持續一段時間困惑地努力的記憶，所以當我看到別人在困惑中持續努力一段時間的時候，我常常會覺得不耐煩以及覺得別人很無能〝怎麼連這個都不會〞，可是這種感覺不是來自我有過在問題解決上成功的經驗，反而是因為我沒有過這樣的經驗，在看到別人正在經歷我沒有過的經歷的時候，以一種掩飾、不要令自己不安的方式的回應，這大部分發生在在學校工作的時候。在日本的時候，我比較能夠在一種知道自己無能的狀態下感受到這種不安，在島根的農場的時候，剛好因為壓力以及引發焦慮的總和情況，我判斷自己在繼續身處同樣的環境下，即使靠自發的努力，恢復的機會也很低並且惡化的狀況無法預期的預感之下，即使極度不願意，也必須回台灣。
輪流，這種與等待有關的行為，讓我聯想到我自己對等待的焦慮感。我不認為自己沒有能力學習等待，我知道自己沒有好的學習榜樣以及被剝奪學習的機會。我想要學習這個社會技能，我擔心以自己目前的狀況在職場上能夠回應的程度。
P5
At times I'd get off on one of my jags and just keep talking about something over and over again that the kids didn't really like, one of my fixations. For instance, one of the neighbors had a fake donkey where you'd push the ear down, the tail would go up and a cigarette would emerge from the donkey's butt. In the '50s, this was akin to a dirty joke. I thought that donkey was the funniest thing I had ever seen and I kept wanting to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it. The kids eventually got sick of hearing me go on and on, but what was good was that they just told me to stop. Plain and simple: "Cut it out; we're sick of hearing you talk about the stupid donkey." That definitely helped. People were pretty direct back then; the were direct and the adults were direct if you were doing something inappropriate. There wasn't a whole lot of explaining and trying to be sensitive about feelings. I was told, in very clear language, that my behavior was wrong and if it was Mother doling out the message, there was a loss of privileges for sure. The quality of the interaction was much more up front.
P5,6
It was also an era where families had a lot of social contact with other families. My class in elementary school and only twelve kids. We all played with each other — it just was the way things were during the '50s and '60s. Everyone got invited to everyone else's birthday parties — there was no exclusion. We played after school with each other. One of our neighbors had a really cool erector set, another had a pool table — these were activities I enjoyed and I'd often be over there playing with the kids in those families. Socializing was an everyday occurrence and having appropriate social skills was expected. If I acted inappropriatedly at a neighbor's house, the mom would simply correct my behavior — no big deal — just like my mother did. This is right; this is not right. All the mothers taught kids the same manners and held their kids accountable for their behaviors. It was a much tighter-knit society than it is today.
P6
I also wasn't a shy kid, and I think that helped me along in acquiring social skills and feeling positive about my life in general. I remember one time as a child going on a trip to Canada with the family. I wanted to go on a toboggan ride, so I just went up to other kids and asked them if I could go on their toboggan. ............ When new neighbors moved into town I would go over and introduce myself to them. I wasn't shy about putting myself in social situations, or anxious about making mistakes, probably because there were so many, many chances to do this that I got all the practice I needed. That, coupled with Mother's insistence on manners, was a recipe for being successful.
I love building thins right from the start; it was a natural outlet for my visual way of thinking......
......Another time, Mother was having a dinner party downstairs, directly beneath my room. I took one of my dresses and put it on a coat hanger and then put a paper bag on it as a head and painted some eye on it. I put it on a string, then lowered it out the window. All the guests screamed as though someone had fallen out the window. It was pretty funny.
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